Laura,....most beautiful and the only girl,I ever chased ... .......

After a very long phase of immense trauma my family and I still had a worse phase to witness.... dad succumbed to the shock.I was sitting besides him in the ICU for 32 days.He was on the ventilator and had to bear the brunt of something he didn't deserve,he was innocent.I just wanted him to come out of that horrifying ICU at any cost.All I got to see there were those... 100 people who interacted with me some minutes , hours or days before passing away,being taken on stretchers one after the other vacating the beds for other half alive patients ,same machines , noise of several electrocardiogram beeps and stretchers and there I was sitting day and night just watching the same thing happen to dad.

I bought a laptop and an internet dongle to get in touch with the doctors and survivors from across the world.After putting some holy ash,petals and water that people and I had got for him from remotest areas of..... somewhere, over or around his body, I would sit with my laptop and for hours speak with people from all over the world.And then I just happened to halt at one Youtube account.....Laura....with a longer tongue twisting surname McCracken ,she attracted me because she had Pink hair and a cat on her lap when I just happen to click her video and she called herself WAWA.....
She looked beautiful but there was something which I sensed was different ..... 

She had cancer,small cell stage 4 lung cancer.....and I knew this video was not usual.....she was very conscious ,too unsure about what that video would do for her,or may be what she would be doing in the video....she was making a series of videos of changes in her state in due course of chemotherapy ,every video shook me,may be because I was sitting in a death roller coaster with dad....but she was a rockstar....and then a couple of more videos where she with all the uncertainty was talking about the scar of needles on her chest,her lost hair,her new wigs , her cats,Toby and Benjamin and Frederick the hamster,she would smile,giggle and take everything like a child's play with all that pain and reality that had already sunk in,she would describe worrisome symptoms with a carefree smile ,she would talk about the car, her camera , the weather , she would as if make fun of the symptoms and physical changes she was going through and then she would say goodbye panting due to breathlessness.....

I was with her there and then......I wanted to tell her ...whoever she was in this world I was with her,because she had taught me to balance on the shaking lifeline with a smile..., to befriend those machines in the ICU, with emotions dripping around through wires and tubes',and to celebrate fear......she was from somewhere from the U.S where I have never been till date,and then just to be able to talk to her I made a Youtube account.
Before I could send her my first message,I realized she was nowhere..........

.....her last message was some 8 months back......I didn't want to lose her,she was my last hope.....my inspiration......and I was in a frenzy.....mad to find where and how she was or what happened to her......I tried to find her on the internet.....and ... I could.....she was on Facebook ........although I did but wasn't sure if sending her a friend request would be of any use....still I waited for 2 days but it wasn't accepted , I tried to find out about her family and could manage to find her father and sister ,without any realization I was begging them to tell me about Laura.....by then I had lost a lot in my life and this time I was angry .....and wasn't prepared to let Laura go.....Laura who...? I had no idea......there was no reply from her family .....I was completely heart broken and all I was doing for 4 days was just wanting to know what happened to her.....the fourth day I was completely shaken due to some painful anticipation and again logged in to watch her videos all over again when I saw a message in my Youtube inbox ...............................................................................It was Laura...... I was in tears.....

I remember to have sent her some messages with lots of 'plzz plzz' in them to reply.....and she did,with a very warm assurance that she was fine but ,had a complain.....why did I message her family....they came to know about her Youtube adventures......I knew I had something to blackmail her now if she doesn't reply in time..... In the ICU Laura was with me, as if all the time.She sent me some long heart felt messages to lend support,she encouraged me, strengthened me,shared the pain,and as is her habit she would suddenly divert from the topic and start talking about her office,cooking,cats or toys....as if what we were facing was least important.Its been 6 years of her Cancer.......stage 4 ! whichever stage...its backstage now,she has moved on...times have changed for her,for good.Recently on June 1st, 2013 she got married to her soul mate Trey.She has a dream of starting a toy factory...She knows about me without knowing me and I know her without knowing her...today we are friends,and we became friends in pain....so she is close to my heart, she will always be a darling and I have promised her I would be with her always

In her radiation and chemo days she colored her hair Pink because she was losing hair,and in one of her videos in 2008 she said ''I can't have radiation or surgery now but with chemo everything would work out,I think I have a real good chance,I'm not freaking out or anything,I'm pretty confident that I can do this,I have been feeling pretty good,I have been feeling well,I haven't been feeling sick at all , just a little pain,but now I have been allowed to exercise....and in the end of the video she said....I'm coming back.....peace...." and she came back.... Happy married life Laura ....

......and she lived happily ever after in my heart
RIP Laura McCracken ......

Laura Elizabeth McCracken - Dec 23, 1976 – April 11, 2014

इंसान क्या गुज़रता है ....

My poem dedicated to Papa on the occasion of Father's day

अनगिनत तैरते , बहते , डूबते , इतिहास बनते लम्हों की नदी है ,
आदमी आदमी क्या है , अपने आप में पूरी एक सदी है |

पापा नहीं रहे , पर उनकी ज़िन्दगी के साठ साल क़ायनात में बिखर गए ,
उनसे जुड़े अतीत के डूबते लम्हें मुझसे मिलते ही उबर गए ,
उनके जाने के कुछ महीनों पहले वे मुझे डूंगरपुर ले गए थे,
कुछ ही दिनों में मानों मेरे अस्तित्व का आधार दे गए थे ,
उनके छोटे से घर , कॉलेज , तालाब की यादों का हर लम्हा
मैंने उन्हीं की आँखों से जिया ,
मानों शरारत , पढ़ाई , याराना , संघर्ष सब मैंने ही किया ,
मेरी उम्र में उनके साठ साल जुड़ गए,
उनकी ज़िन्दगी मेरी ज़िन्दगी में समाँ गई, जब वे बिछुड़  गए,
मेरा मन आज भी उसी कमरे में विचरता है , जहाँ वे पढ़ते थे ,
वो पहाड़ वाला मंदिर जहाँ वे नित् चढ़ते थे ,
वो साईकल ले आना चाहता हूँ , जिससे वे कॉलेज जाते थे ,
उन मास्टरजी से मिलना चाहता हूँ जो उन्हें पढ़ाते थे ,
उनका स्कूटर , कपड़े , घड़ी , सब यादों में शामिल हैं ,
कुछ भी फेंकना या बेचना मेरे लिए ज़रा मुश्किल है ,
उनके बचपन की तस्वीरें , वो कॉलेज के चश्में ,
उनके बनाये सब उसूल और कुछ खूबसूरत रस्में
उनके उगाये दरख़्त घर को ढक चुके हैं ,
उनका फ़ोन और सालों पुरानी डायरी ,
हम पूजा में रख चुके हैं ,
उनके सारे जुमले मिलकर मेरी भाषा बन चुके हैं ,
और बहुत से काम उनके इंतज़ार में बस वहीं रुके हैं ,
और रुके ही रहेंगे ,
न वे अभी मरे हैं , न सपने मरेंगे ,
जैसे मुझसे बातें करते हैं , वैसे काम भी करेंगे ,

मंदिर में , मकानों में , सड़कों पे , दुकानों में ,
कमरों में , छत पे , बाग़ में ,
जहाँ भी देखूं , उसके किसी भाग में ,
याद बनके खड़े मिलते हैं ,
इतिहास से दिखते हैं , जहाँ तक नज़र जाती है ,
इंसान क्या गुज़रता है , एक सदी गुज़र जाती है ........|

सब ठीक है

.....बहुत रातें यह सोचते हुए गुज़ारीं हैं कि क्या करूँ कि कल मुर्गे की बांग से मेरी खिड़की में भी सूरज निकल आये और जब रात गुज़रे तो किरणें मुझे सब दरवाज़े खोल कर ढूंढ लें ..., कैसे सब कुछ सही कर दूँ ,...सही नहीं ,......पहले जैसा कर दूँ ,...क्योंकि 'सही' 'पहले जैसा' नहीं हुआ तो ??.....फिर जब ये सोचने की आदत हो गई कि सुबह कुछ ना कुछ कर ही लूँगा , अभी और जागा नहीं जा रहा इसलिये सो जाता हूँ , तब ज़िन्दगी जीना आ गया ,

....आज, अभी सब ठीक है ,मतलब सब ठीक है ,शाम तक सब ठीक दिखता है मतलब सब ठीक है , थोड़ी देर बिना कुछ सोचे बैठ जाऊँ ,ऐसा सोच पाया तो वो luxury है , सब ठीक है ,अगले एक घंटे ज़िन्दगी नहीं दौड़ाएगी ,अगर यह सुकून है, मतलब सब ठीक है ,... बादल सर से टकरायेगा फिर गुज़र जायेगा , तो उसमें मुझे तो कुछ करना ही नहीं , ...ना मैंने उसे बुलाया था , ना मैं उससे जाके टकराया था , जब कुछ किया नहीं ,तो कुछ सोचना नहीं, समझना नहीं , करना नहीं , सब ठीक है ...,

फिर जब वो दिन गुज़र जायेगा ,रात होगी ,फिर लगेगा, सुबह तक सब ठीक ही रहेगा , सब ठीक है . इस पल , अगले पल में घुस जाने की हालत में हूँ तो सब ठीक है , उस पल से निकलने की उम्मीद रखता हूँ तो सब ठीक है , किसी पल में घुस कर ना निकलने की नियति , destiny हुई तो ये भी कितना कमाल है,इसका तो कभी पता ही नहीं होता तो इसका भी कुछ करना नहीं ,सब ठीक है,किसी की याद बाक़ी नहीं किसी की उम्मीद अधूरी नहीं , सायों के साथ होने का वहम और उस वहम का अहम् धीरे धीरे झटकों से झड गया ,चलो मेरा 'मैं' अहम् को छोड़ कर मेरे साथ बच गया ,सब ठीक है , मेरा रोना सच्चा है , मेरी बची हुई हँसी खरी है , ...तो यार ये तो कहीं कुछ गड़बड़ ही नहीं सब तो ठीक है ..... आज सब ठीक है , कल भी ऐसे सेंकडों आज आएँगे , सब ठीक ही रहेगा...सब ठीक है 

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सोच तो ले जाना कहाँ है

 जो है, और जिससे अच्छा लगता है , 

हर वो चीज़ ज़हन से फिसल जाती है  ,

और क्या हो सकता है , जिससे अच्छा लग सकता है ,

ढूँढने में ही  ज़िन्दगी निकल जाती है। 

अगर अपने झोले में ढूंढूं ,तो कितना कुछ सम्पूर्ण है 

मैं अधूरेपन को जीवन मान बैठा हूँ 

तो वो क्या है जो पूर्ण है ....?

मैं दूसरे को चलता देख अपनी यात्रा निर्धारित कर रहा हूँ ,
सब जीते जी मर रहे हैं , इसलिए बस मैं भी मर रहा हूँ ,

अब लगता है रुक जा मेरे दोस्त ,सोच तो ले जाना कहाँ है ,

वहाँ उससे तो ज्यादा सुख हो , जितना पहले से यहाँ है ,

सर्दी की धूप में ,आराम वाली कुर्सी पर थोड़ी देर घास को तक ले ,

फिर बहुत देख चुकी आँखों को ज़रा हथेलियों से ढक ले,

और फिर सोच की क्यों देख रहा है कि सब कहाँ जा रहे हैं ,

जब ये सभी गोल गोल घूम कर वहीं आ रहे हैं ,

तू तो पहले से ही वहीं था , तुझे तो कुछ और करना था ,

कहीं कोई स्थान रिक्त पड़ा था , जो बस तुझे ही भरना था,

तू अपनी दुनिया संभाल  दर्शन , खोजने की कोई ज़रूरत नहीं ,

ज़िन्दगी फिर मुड़कर ना निहारे  , ऐसी भी सूरत नहीं ,

इसलिए याद रहे की जब तू चलता है  तो बैकग्राउंड म्यूज़िक बजता है ,

तेरा कैसे साथ देना है , हर ज़र्रे को उपजता है ,

अब सिर्फ वो सोच जो सोचा नहीं जा सकता ,

और वो संभाल जो हर कोई नहीं पा सकता ,

आज अपने सुख और क़ामयाबी  को एक तावीज़ में लपेट ले  ,

और अपने आँगन के कोने में अनदेखी पड़ी धूप को ,

दोनों बाहों में समेट ले ....!

ALL HINDI GUYS ARE COOL DUDES....:)

A couple of days back had gone to a Hindi book release function by "Akhil Bhartiya sahitya parishad" with mom....who else ? :) Mom's Hindi teacher was the author ,he is 85,and I knew mom should be there....it was Sunday and she wanted a driver...:)...I went with her....:) I also went because I subconsciously keep looking for people I can be in awe of,and can really admire...and this 'really' means something I tell you :) .....I have a hobby of collecting such antiques in my memory.They are true to their art form/field.They might not be saleable because they are precious and not known because they are too exceptional to be popular...just thought I might meet some there....being an actor usually don't get opportunities to be an admirer of people from 'lesser superficially glamorous' fields......

          Just sat and heard what they were talking ..... the toughest Hindi I could ever imagine....and I bow down to all those wonderful intellectual people who read their articles and discussed things which I could have never expected to be known to people who survive in the most beautiful form of my own language Hindi without even thinking how many people would understand and how 'clap a ble' their speech would be,they were so intellectual , so well read...it was pure knowledge , pure intellect flowing...... In those two hours I was literally speechless with a realization of verbal and expressional poverty and had no time to blink.I have such a rich language I didn't know of :/ was my expression.....Just learnt once, Hindi is said to be more phonetic because of 47 alphabets
14 vowels and 33 consonants.... but here I was not feeling ignorant I was angry as I felt it was a conspiracy for not letting me know what I have ...!!....

                            I can't deny that I felt ashamed that 'I' have started seeing Hindi as 'regional' in my own country ((earlier the sentence I wrote was involving all the countrymen but then I thought it is better I just stick to myself...it makes me feel more confident about what I'm saying))...I write in English only because I get more response than when I write in Hindi not because people don't want to read Hindi but may be because they are sure they will not understand because as global inter - nationals that doesn't seem like a priority.... when people write in Hindi they in their own country are worried as to how many of them would understand or the biggest concern....'would want to understand'..( have spoken to several writers so commenting :))...

                    We are surrounded by a generation who knows that if their child talks in Hindi not being good at spoken English he would face problems...the entire internet is more accessible in English....so they are right.....Parents who have studied in Hindi medium schools dream of a child who can do ggiittar ppiittar in English the way they couldn't.....It does sound funny when most Indians with whatever knowledge of this language and incorrect pronunciation keep stuffing their children.....'Common beta say 'MENTION NOT'.....COMMON ..beta say You AlSo ComE tO mY HOuse tOMROW ' 'bAD BEta MAmma wilL SColD YOu.......an observation wherever you go,it is a dream of every Indian parent....everybody is practicing 24*7 just sounds like you are talking to TOMMY or Tiger.. (no pun intended,I'm no different)......Indians face a difficulty because they don't 'think' in English,it is only a translatory mechanism .....the faster you can translate in your head the faster you can talk......not necessarily express......it is with every second language.......I don't know the solution because may be I don't have an arguable reason to see it as an oncoming problem.....just that when I listen to these guys who can talk so well in Hindi I really miss being able to talk like that,it feels good,so cooool :) ......

                
                      While writing in Hindi rather than hunting for newer and more apt and suitable rich words we restrict ourselves to more known words which may or may not do justice with the expression....it is sad....I just feel it would have been so nice rather than using toughest of Hindi words as a means to laugh and joke we could have used them in our general conversation,although I have started doing that,just because I like talking good Hindi and ....it is so beautiful....The feeling of me knowing another language besides my own makes me feel like a progressor, a skill seeker ....and fiddling with another without knowing mine makes me feel inadequate......
                    I wish someday people after reading a Hindi article or a poem refer to a dictionary to understand and that will happen only when they feel the need to ......but in any case need has nothing to do with the satisfaction of being able to understand and express in a beautiful language,it is taste I guess....and if for taste I can go 10 kilometers to have 'Kachori' I can try to understand what someone has written....so whenever I read something that I don't understand in Hindi I thank the writer....I know he is having fun without inhibition ...not only for sale....its ok if I don't understand....it makes me happy to meet people at least who themselves know to perfection...what they are talking......:) All Hindi guys are 'cool dudes'....and it doesn't mean ठन्डे पुरुष :)

Mobile and memories

Today I had to transfer a couple of numbers from my phone to my sim card with a limit of 250 numbers , it was like an emotional journey through my life again , scrolling through those 1000 numbers to select 250 numbers that I would never like to lose...you halt for a while and then suddenly copy names you think you hate and let go of names everyone thinks you have an association with...some you have never met for ages are there since ages and some you feel might be of some use the way you keep plumber's or electrician's number.....they are like utility numbers ,some are like emergency numbers, some like encyclopedias , some like inquiry numbers, and can you believe ....some have passed away but I still transferred their numbers.......you as if give numbers, like in an exam, to phone numbers.....numbers and names are like pages of your life some you want to tear and keep in a file ,some you just want to turn over and some that you stop and read again ....every name in that contact list is like a good or bad or immaterial , important, happy or sad part of your life.....some numbers are thrown out like junk and some you feel can again be used at some point of your life....some are like dormant volcanoes you will never touch .....but if someday they irrupt in the form of a ring , you are pleasantly or shockingly surprised to see......you think twice before picking it up but then you wonder why you kept it for years if you didn't have to pick it up.....some numbers might never ring, but you wish they flash on your mobile someday....like papa's number.....they are like fantasies .... phone directories are like emotional roller coasters.

 

I JUST WISH DAD SAW THAT I'M TRYING TO REGAIN THAT GLORY FROM HIS TERRACE.

All guys like me who are born and brought up in Jaipur know kite flying ....its understood...:) It was kite flying day yesterday in Jaipur ......
Dad was a champion....he just used to fly kites on Makar Sakranti but people till date talk about his skills of flying and fighting huge kites and others from adjacent terraces would request to spare theirs.....We all at one point or the other have given time to master the skill of kite flying and fighting...and fondly remember the days when we would snap several threads with ours and count them like medals....We all remember our first kite training ,first kite flying terrace,first kite flying associates,first kite flying accidents,first kite flying romantic incidents/accidents and so on....ha ha....I too remember.....now quite out of practice but next year have decided to regain my form....
It is not just a kite ...it is my childhood,my dad,simple pleasures of life,memories,togetherness, belongingness 

....my dad has always been younger than me.. :)..I have always been a super bore...he he :)....always engrossed in my film making custom made games and music synthesizers .....yesterday...without dad didn't feel like flying kites....so was just doing my editing work till late evening....and then saw ... neighbour Uncle and his sons on the terrace shouting and screaming,......they used to fight kites with dad and were used to seeing someone as an amazing skilled competitor on our terrace....my dad.Dads would in the evening fly the biggest kites and no body like war ethics would intervene or poke his nose with a small 'Kiten'....we would just hold thread winders/spools (charkhi) and so keenly follow our dad's kites ; sometimes after getting entangled the fight would go on and on for a couple of minutes and others on other terraces would just freeze to witness the climax......and then Dad would just very patiently wait for the feel of correct tension in his fingers,correct wind,correct control and then an amazing heroic gesture of pulling the thread with speed and all might and .....sssssaaaaaaaataaaaaaaaak.......would snap the other kite......and the whole colony would shake with a collective sound of ......wowwwwwwww kaaatttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........that would even echo from other terraces and an amazing friendly smile of uncle for papa who would with amazing spirit start winding his snapped thread and a child would shout from the other roof ,fly one more and we will cut it ....this time......:)
Ufffff.......why days and people just fly away....

Uncle and his sons gift me memories all over again....they are a part of my dad.....so just switched off my comps and ran on the terrace just to make them see.....Mr. Dave's son is very much there....that terrace will not look devastated after him....I just kept watching kites flying and fighting ....and uncles and his sons waved at me.....something happened,....I knew I was't prepared but still ....went down and brought kites and Charkhi......cousin sis came running to hold it for me and I kept flying kites till late evening.....
I just wish dad saw that I'm trying to regain that glory from his terrace.....!