ICU of a hospital in Jaipur.........I was laughing and humming in front of my dad ,just not to let him know that doctors are waiting for his death.Am not able to forget that innocent look ,when he knew something is terribly wrong and would try to get the answer by just looking into my eyes all the time,with numerous tubes in his mouth ,nose ,throat and body....
A year back in the same hospital , where he went on his own feet ,I once told him....."papa I have just seen the ICU in the corridor it is so scary all people are lying like dead bodies,I don't think anybody comes out of it alive ".....I was so stupid....had never thought,it might happen to us so soon.
...... in the same hospital I kept seeing pigeons making nests ,laying eggs ,I watched newborns coming out and flying off and we were still there in the same hospital room....and then dad in all consciousness saw his journey from bed to wheel chairs to stretchers to oxygen to ventilator.....ohhh papa.........and all this happened when my family was already dragged in a painful situation by some animals,and we were very much in the middle of that nightmare,and he just didn't want to leave me and mom alone to fight with them,on one hand they were after our lives ,and my priority was to save my papa and I just couldn't do anything.....
I was casually called one fine morning by the doctors when I had just bought a laptop and internet connection to connect with doctors all over the world to get my papa out of all this ,and was told.....there is very little hope,...... I would get this news in several versions every now and then and then.... I would prepare myself mentally ,enter the same ICU and be loud and would ham to make him believe that I'm so happy to know that he is recovering now.....may be since he was very brave and practical he was looking for an answer so that he could make up his mind for,....I don't know what...... but I like a coward never accepted it...I never wanted to let him get into that mode of giving up.....I just wanted him to die with a relief that everything is fine and everything would be fine ,......one miracle,and it would have saved my faith and my being forever....
Can't explain that moment when someone knows he is leaving his child, his wife forever , you are looking into the pulse meter and cardiogram and know that he is sinking ,and would leave you any moment ,but he is conscious and definitely knows its over and you are still acting and acting ....asking him to sleep and rest and he is not missing a moment of watching you for the last time....and after a moment of vacuum, when the hospital staff pulls out all the tubes ,you are holding your tears and you just say,please don't pull it so hard ,do it gently , you know , now you are not acting.